For the past several months, I’ve been going through a
social reboot. This
involves consciously reassessing my social life and deciding what
connections and social habits to maintain and what to change.
But this year I’ve decided to go further with this process and declare outright
social bankruptcy. This
is an area of my life that was far enough off track that changing it
for the better is closer to starting over from scratch than making
modifications to an existing structure. It’s more analogous to changing
careers than it is to tweaking an existing career.
I could see that my social life was becoming exceedingly unbalanced.
It was a source of many stimulating connections, but the overall big
picture wasn’t working very well.
While many people have trouble with physical clutter piling up, the
main source of clutter in my life has been social clutter, most of which
flowed into my life as a result of having a popular website/blog and
having many open doors on the Internet through which people could easily
connect with me.
Initially I thought that being so accessible was a good thing. I
liked having an open door policy. To do otherwise seemed like it would
be too cold and aloof.
In the beginning that open door policy worked okay, but too much of a good thing can eventually become a curse.
A Gift or a Curse?
Imagine if people starting coming to your house and bringing you gifts because they want to express their appreciation.
At first, you may receive their gifts with gratitude. How nice of them. How lucky you are to receive such abundance.
Now imagine that the gifts keep coming, year after year and with increasing frequency.
Eventually you start seeing patterns in the gifts. The same types of
items appear dozens, then hundreds of times. What was once a delightful
surprise now becomes routine and predictable.
Soon you stop bothering to open some of the gifts. You can tell what
they are from the outside packaging. You don’t need what’s inside since
you’ve received similar items many times before. You may still
appreciate the sentiment, but the gifts themselves no longer hold much
value to you.
You start running out of space to store the gifts. They pile up. You
shove them in closets and fill your garage with them. And they just keep
coming.
You can reasonably expect that this pattern will continue for many
more years to come. It isn’t going to stop on its own. You begin to
dread the treadmill you find yourself on.
All the while, people follow up to ask you about the gifts you
received. At first you really are appreciative. Then you become
indifferent. Then you may feel resentful. You may try to feign
appreciation from behind that resentment in order to be polite, but it
isn’t always easy. After a sufficient amount of time elapses, the gifts
are entirely unwanted. As new gift bringers arrive, you stop answering
the door as often.
Due to the asymmetrical nature of these interactions, those
individual gift givers can’t see any problem with it. They always feel
they’re doing a good deed. And so if you aren’t appreciative each time,
they quickly jump to the conclusion that there must be something wrong
with you.
So what do you do?
You could ask people to stop bringing gifts, but whom do you tell if it’s different people each time?
You could hire someone to process the gifts for you, but why pay
someone to process what you don’t even want? This would also do a
disservice to the gift givers since you’d never personally receive and
appreciate their gifts. They probably wouldn’t have brought the gifts if
they expected their gifts would merely be processed by an assistant.
They intended the gifts to be personal.
Social connections are like gifts. In small quantities they’re
precious, and it’s easy to appreciate them. In vast quantities, however,
they can become a curse.
I hit that curse level a long time ago and did my best to manage it,
but eventually I realized that it was a no-win situation, and I had to
make some fundamental changes. I couldn’t just get better at processing
the gifts that arrived. I had to stop the gifts from showing up
altogether. I had to eliminate the curse aspects and get back to a more
reasonable level of interaction.
Declaring Social Bankruptcy
It took a while to accept it, but eventually I realized I had to
declare social bankruptcy. I’d gone too far down a path that wasn’t
working. I could see that it was time to get off that path entirely.
I began to think about what kind of social life I’d create for myself
these days if I had the opportunity to start over completely from
scratch. I imagined that nobody on earth knew who I was. What if I
didn’t have email… or a website… or any social media pages… or a phone
number?
What would I consciously decide to add back? What would I avoid recreating?
I still like writing, so I’d keep that. I like speaking too, so I’d recreate that as well.
But there are some items I wouldn’t recreate, at least not in the same way they’re present in my life today.
One of those things would be email. I’d keep it for some very limited
usage, but I wouldn’t use email as my primary business communication
tool. I’d reduce my email usage by at least 90% and check it maybe once
or twice a week, with perhaps 15 minutes of usage time per week. I
wouldn’t have an assistant process a bunch of messages for me. I’d set
it up so hardly anyone would message me. I’d only receive emails that I
wanted to receive, from people I wanted to be able to email me.
Another thing I wouldn’t recreate would be online interactions with
people regarding my articles, including comments, questions, and
discussions. Reading feedback can be stimulating at times, but I don’t
find it inspiring or fulfilling, and it certainly isn’t necessary. Life
itself gives me all the feedback I require. It’s fine if people want to
discuss and share what I’ve posted on their own, but I don’t need to
participate in those discussions. By the time I’ve posted something,
I’ve already moved on to the next thing. For me writing is a process of
letting go. To write is to release. If I get involved in discussions
about my past work, my attention is pulled back to where I’ve been, and I
experience greater levels of attachment. I’d rather keep my attention
on where I am and where I’m going.
If I’m going to discuss anything work-related, it’s more interesting
to discuss what I’m inspired to explore next. It’s easier for me — and
more fulfilling as well — to have such discussions with friends face to
face. So again the online element is superfluous.
In the long run, my open door approach to connecting with readers was
a bust. I tried modifying the parameters of that open door — for years —
but eventually I had to close that door altogether. Life is a lot
simpler without all that social clutter.
Closing those doors (quitting Facebook, shutting down the forums,
disabling my online contact form, etc) was tough to do at first, but now
I’m far enough along with this contraction process that I wish I’d done
this years ago.
I’m also revamping the way I use email, including killing off old
email addresses and reserving email for a much lower volume of
communication henceforth.
Obligation vs. Freedom
There are several themes that run through this social rebooting
process. One involves eliminating social obligations and expectations
and replacing them with freedom of choice.
My social life has been overburdened with perceived obligations.
People who have a social connection with me frequently expect that our
connection entitles them to something from me, such as a reply to their
emails or advice when they request it.
In small quantities that isn’t a problem, but in the quantities I’ve experienced this, it’s too far over on the curse side.
So as part of declaring social bankruptcy, I’m erasing any social
debt people feel I owe them as a result of our past connections.
Feeling obligated to live up to other people’s expectations isn’t how
I wish to manage my social life. I wish to experience a social life
based on freedom of choice by all involved, where no one feels they have
the right to leverage our connection to obligate the other person.
Freedom must still be balanced with responsibility, so if I’ve freely
chosen to obligate myself in some way, such as entering a business
contract or making a verbal agreement with someone, I’ll honor that of
course. But I’m not going to let those unspoken obligations creep back
into my social life, where people feel they’re entitled to something
from me just because they exist in my reality.
If certain people can’t handle this and wish to complain about it,
I’m not going to maintain a serious connection with them. The types of
people I like interacting with already feel similarly anyway, so I’m not
losing anything I value here.
Online vs. Offline
The second shift involves doing more of what fulfills me and less of what doesn’t fulfill me.
I love connecting with people face to face. Occasional video-Skyping
is okay too. But typing individual messages to people has grown pretty
stale. And if I have a lot of messages to read and reply to, that just
feels burdensome.
So I’m deliberately axing almost all of my one-on-one communication
via the Internet. And I’m replacing it with more face to face social
interaction.
I’m making this change not only for personal socializing but for
business networking as well. I may use email to help maintain some
connections, but I’m essentially closing the door to new business
connections that arrive by email. New business contacts will have to
meet me in person, and that will essentially mean they’ll have to come
through organically via my existing social network. It will be
exceedingly difficult for cold callers to reach me personally.
Incompatible vs. Compatible
The third shift has to do with the types of people that I connect with on a regular basis.
The bulk of people who’ve gotten in touch with me in the past were
readers of my blog, Internet marketers, and the press. In small doses
these interactions are normally fine, but in larger quantities it can
get a little crazy.
As part of declaring social bankruptcy, I felt it wise to close the
door on these types of interactions via the Internet, so I could create
some space to reassess my social life without so many distractions
piling up.
During this quiet time, I realized that I didn’t wish to recreate the
reader-based interactions. These are too often interactions where
people put me on a pedestal and place themselves on a perceived lower
tier as they interact with me. It’s not a big deal when it’s a temporary
thing like during a workshop weekend, but it’s not something I like
having in my life on a daily basis. These interactions provide little
value to me, and they encourage me to keep revisiting the past instead
of focusing on new challenges. If you think my decision to cut these
people off is selfish, that’s because it is.
Sometimes I’ve even said to people, “Please don’t do the fanboy thing
with me.” While I’m sure some people draw energy from having others
look up to them, I find it very unnatural when adults behave like that
towards me. I prefer it when people connect with me as equals.
Regarding Internet marketers who approach me primarily because they
want something from me, I’m not going to lose any sleep over shedding
those connections. These types of approaches are very common online, but
they’re much less frequent in person. And in person it’s much easier to
help the person get past their fake salesy persona and behave a bit
more naturally.
Connecting with the press might seem to be a wise door to keep open
for business reasons, but after doing so many interviews, I don’t see
much value in continuing the practice. Mainstream journalists and the
publications they represent are too often a mismatch for my message.
They have an overwhelming tendency to want to reduce everything to
cutesy sound bites, and they frequently get the sound bites wrong
anyway. These people are almost invariably over-stressed and harried, so
they can only crank out incredibly shallow work that provides little or
no long-term value. Most publications of this nature don’t provide a
compatible medium for a message about conscious living.
So as I declare social bankruptcy on these types of connections, what’s left?
I thought about the kinds of friends I want to keep in my life, as
well as new friends I’d like to attract. These include people with
qualities and values such as:
- Freedom – people who maintain free and flexible
lifestyles and have control over their schedules (can’t connect with
people who aren’t available)
- Self-Sufficiency - high-functioning people who can take care of themselves (not needy, clingy, or high maintenance)
- Happiness – people who are generally happy and fulfilled with their lives
- Growth – people who value growth above security (security-minded people are very boring)
- Courage – people who seek to identify and face their fears; people who are following their “path with a heart”
- Offbeat – people whom others might label as weird,
quirky, or unusual (I like social rebels; the social conformists don’t
seem particularly sane)
There are lots of people in my life who will claim to value these
qualities, but not as many can claim to be living them. People who are
living up to their values tend to have a certain peacefulness about them
that’s a joy to connect with.
I’ve been maintaining many partial matches in my social network, i.e.
people who have enough compatibility to create a connection with me but
not enough to maintain a mutually fulfilling relationship in the long
run. These partial matches are relative dead ends though, and they crowd
out more compatible connections.
As part of this bankruptcy process, I’m reassessing each connection
in my social network as if it’s a brand new connection opportunity that
just showed up for the first time. I’m letting go of past social baggage
with certain people and asking myself if it makes sense to include them
in my social map today. At the same time, I’m raising my standards with
respect to the types of connections I’ll invite in and maintain.
Quantity to Quality
In previous years I’ve had lots of relatively shallow connections in
my life and a handful of deep ones. But virtually all the joy and
fulfillment comes from the deeper connections. So I’ve decided to
release most of those shallow connections and invest more time and
energy in creating and maintaining deeper connections but with fewer
people.
I don’t find it difficult to create and maintain deeper connections,
but when there’s too much social clutter in my life, it keeps me
flailing around in the shallow end of the pool more often than I’d like.
Instead of maintaining a large but loose social network, I’m dumping
that model and replacing it with a much smaller, tighter social network.
I seek fewer friends, but deeper and more compatible connections.
Having an extensive social network with loose ties with lots of
people may seem like a good thing to some people, but I haven’t found
much fulfillment in that model. Breadth is no substitute for depth.
I think the main mistake I made here was assuming that having a
bigger funnel at the top would result in deeper connections at the
bottom. It doesn’t work that way in practice, however. Shallow
connections rarely evolve into deeper ones. Deep connections frequently
avoid the funnel altogether. When truly compatible people show up, we
tend to click right away — within a matter of hours. For the most part,
either we click right away, or we don’t. There is no funnel.
As part of this process, I’ve been going through my Google Contacts
and making liberal use of the delete function. I figure that if I
haven’t contacted someone in 6 months or more, I probably don’t need
their contact info.
Having fewer contacts to maintain simplifies my life and makes it
easier to focus on connections I wish to maintain. If I ever really need
the info for a deleted contact, I can always get it through some other
means, like searching my email archives or requesting it from someone.
After a few passes, I was able to reduce my contacts down to 64
people. My goal was to get it down to 30 or less. With a couple more
passes, I got it down to 28. Smile.
I may gradually build it back up to around 40 or so, but I’m in no
rush. It’s nice to see the whole list fit on one screen for the first
time ever. No scrollbar.
Contraction, Then Expansion
Having been through a financial bankruptcy many years ago, I can tell
you that declaring bankruptcy isn’t such a terrible thing. When you go
bankrupt, you shed what clearly isn’t working for you. For me it was a
very liberating experience.
I find this social bankruptcy process equally liberating. It’s
obviously not the same thing as a financial bankruptcy, but the
energetic effect is similar. Old obligations and expectations are
released. Hope and optimism replace feelings of overwhelm and
disappointment.
I’m looking forward to rebuilding a positive and supportive social
life this year, practically from the ground up. Having such an active
social life for so many years, even if it wasn’t particularly
fulfilling, gave me a lot of clarity about what I want to experience in
this part of my life instead.
Initially I hoped to transition directly from where I was to where I
wanted to go. But I couldn’t get that approach to work. The old patterns
were too strong, and I didn’t have enough clarity about where to go
next. It’s like being in a job you don’t like, but you’re still unsure
about what you might do instead or how to make it work. You have to quit
the old job first, break free of its distractions and conditioning
effects, and take some reflective time to get in touch with what you’ve
learned and what you want. Then you can take steps to create something
new. There may be some negative side effects to this approach, but
they’re worth it. Staying stuck in a no-win situation is worse.
In a similar vein, I eventually accepted I had to undergo a social
contraction first before I’d have any hope of creating something better.
I couldn’t transition directly from planet A to planet B because planet
A’s gravity was too strong. I had to leave planet A behind first, then
explore a bit in order to identify planet B and plot a course to it.
I’m in that exploratory phase now, which is a refreshing change. As I
shared above, I have more clarity about what I want to experience next,
but I’m in no rush to get there. I’m still shedding bits and pieces of
the old planet A, and I feel very relieved as I watch it recede further
into the past. My social life is quieter and simpler than it’s been in
years, and I’m taking advantage of this peaceful period to get back in
touch with myself.
Ho’oponopono It
When I was at the Transformational Leadership Council retreat in
Kona, Hawaii last week, we did an interesting Ho’oponopono exercise that
included writing an exhaustive list of anyone and anything from the
past that we still felt a lingering attachment to. At the end of the
exercise, we tore up our lists, a symbolic way of shedding those
attachments. This doesn’t mean shedding those people from one’s life. It
just means releasing any unconscious attachments to them, so you can
make a freer and more conscious choice about how to relate (or not
relate) to them thereafter. At least that was my understanding of the
exercise.
At the time I did that exercise, I didn’t sense that anything special
had happened. It was a nice gesture but not particularly
transformational for me. However, when I returned to Vegas several days
later, I could tell that something had shifted in my attitudes towards
certain people. I could more easily distinguish the aspects of those
connections that I was freely inviting vs. those aspects that had become
riddled with unconscious expectations and obligations. I felt a greater
sense of freedom to relate on the basis of choice while releasing any
lingering loyalty to the expectation side. I felt more empowered to
relate to people as my true self without worrying about their reactions.
I think that deciding to stop participating in traditional
holiday gift exchanges
as I shared in yesterday’s post was one result of this Ho’oponopono
process. I might have gotten around to it eventually, but I feel this
process helped speed things along. I was able to get it done without
worrying about other people’s reactions. I saw that it was more
important to be true to myself and stop trying to satisfy other people’s
expectations of me.
As I allow myself to explore this delightfully peaceful space of
fresh possibilities, I’m already noticing new doors opening. Part of me
wants to dive in and explore some of them, while another part of me
wants to hold off and enjoy the silence a bit longer. I’m sure I’ll
begin to explore some of those alternative paths soon enough, but the
most important thing for me right now is to explore in an unattached,
noncommittal way. I want to experience a social life where each
relationship feels like a fresh choice made anew, not an obligation to
remain loyal to the past.
When it’s obvious that some part of your life isn’t working, stop.
Release what isn’t working. Then choose another path. People will squawk
at you, but you’ll be happier on the other side.